The Starting Five

Yesterday I went down to the old neighborhood to kick it with the guys and take in the 76ers game, it was in the 70′s yesterday and people you hadn’t seen since the Holidays had come out of hibernation to bask in the one-day spring thaw.

From the news that I got yesterday, there may as well had been a cold rain beating the concrete.

When I arrived around the way, I ran into one of the mothers who watched my sister and I come up in the recreation center as kids. She always considered me one of her sons since she had none–thus making as good as family. She broke the news to me that her mother had passed from cancer. Cancer hits me hard–I lost my father to it in 1992. She went on to say how “She just slept away, was pain-free and in a better place.” She asked me that if I could make it to the funeral on Monday to please come.

No sooner than me walking away from her my cell phone rings, it’s my younger brother on the line telling me that one of the younger kids in the neighborhood killed himself with a self inflicted gunshot to the head. From what I’ve been told, the day at his mom’s was normal then he walked into the next room away from his sister and committed suicide. I know this young man’s parents, his brothers and sister and to see them last night was something I don’t wish on anyone. We’ve all been down that road sometime in our lives where shock and grief meet, and your body and mind are seemingly separated; neither in control.

I crashed well after 1 a.m., I couldn’t get the images of the night out of my head, then I began to think about Ron-Ron and what was troubling him so at the age of 19 that he had to take his life?

We can speculate for days, and we may still never know the reasons why. One thing that I am certain of is that our young people are raising themselves, living fast and dying violently.

We can march and rally ’til our feet are swollen and our voices are hoarse but until we put our arms around these kids (one besides your own) it’s going to be a repeated scene.

Mizzo and I had a discussion a couple of weeks back about how we as fathers and Black men collectively, need to assert ourselves in the lives of not only our children but young people as a whole.

We need to communicate with our children on a constant basis–begin this early in their lives and as they get older increase the quality and time of theses conversations. Let them know you’re there to help and that no matter how bad the situation your love and support will be readily available.

There are times when we have to talk to our children and not at them, remember this is someone that you’re looking to have an impact in the world, leaders are people that voice their opinion with confidence. You don’t want to begin a feeling of inferiority. If your child can’t voice themselves in a respectful way in fear of a verbal beat down, then that’s a problem.

Remember you don’t have all of the answers either.

Set moral standards, for me it was church on Sundays or whenever my mom said so. Most of us were taught at a young age there was a Higher Power and however we addressed that power we were taught to respect it and that there were guidelines set for us to live by. They have to fear something and it doesn’t have to be us.

Like Omar said, “Ev’ry man gotta have a code.”

As fathers, we need to talk to our sons about women, sex and AIDS. It should never be the mother’s job to have this talk with her son–let alone raise him by herself. But I’m a realist and I know this does happen in today’s world. The most important conversation I had with my mom was the talk I should’ve had with my dad. I’m sure my mother told him of our conversation and at that point he should’ve followed up what mom had laid down…but he never did. The closest we got to a “Man to Man” was him asking me if I had any condoms prior to going on a date.

Don’t shy away from your children on important issues, like the example above, don’t be afraid to follow up or drive home a point if you don’t initiate the conversation. I see this a lot where men separated from their children will leave it to the children’s mother–since she has the child most of the time–and assume the job is done, or his input isn’t needed. Regardless of who gets there first be there to confirm what has been said. Never let it be said that you didn’t give ANY input into anything your child does.

For those men (myself included) estranged from your child’s mother, don’t let anything short of a court order keep you from your child. Time out for pride, remember this is bigger than you and hopefully she realizes the same. Think of how many times you’ve heard that a child has been disconnected from his/her father for years and his only excuse was, “My baby mom was trippin’.” If she didn’t get a court order saying you couldn’t see your child, you need to go handle your business. Thankfully, my situation isn’t that extreme but there are many who are. On days that I don’t see Quentin, I call him–you’ll be surprised how much a 5 year-old can tell you about his day.

Inspire your child, let them know that there is more than just the world that they see everyday. My biggest influence was my parents putting me in a citywide desegregation program in the 7th grade. I saw and met people from many different cultures, but at the same time it allowed me to appreciate and enhance the knowledge of my own. Let them know that there is no reason to be ashamed of their history, culture or background.

In closing, this may be the easiest for some, but harder for others.

Let your kids know you love them.

When Larry Brown was with the 76ers he would say after a road trip or a rough game that he wanted to go “Hug my wife and smell my kids.” I thought that was crazy until I became a father. I smell him, kiss him, hug him and squeeze him. I love his mother for being a good mother to him, but I never knew I could love another human being so much to the point that love moves me to tears at times.

If a man can’t feel that way about something that comes from him, I don’t know what to say to that.

We’ve been placed with the responsibility of saving our youth for they are probably the wisest generation but also the most misguided. They are faced with issues that us or our parents had to deal with. Poverty, raising themselves, sexual abuse, pregnancy, drug and alcohol abuse, poor schooling and an overall feeling of hopelessness.

We have to put our arms around some kid, any kid and let them know they do matter and that there is hope.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008 at 4:18 pm and is filed under Blogroll. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.