Everybody Hates An Uppity Negro: How Tiger Woods Has United America

Tiger Woods’ fame is more curse than gift these days. Recently his fame has grown beyond the daytime, prime time and late night confines of The Golf Channel, ESPN or similarly narrowly focused periodicals. He is the number one topic in the sports world, the news world and especially the gossip world. The most liberal critics of any strain of domestic violence and most conservative proponents of marriage chuckle at his situation. Tiger Woods has united all the races and all the viewpoints in humor and disdain. Because it seems, not everyone likes golf, but everybody hates an uppity Negro.

Turns out we were all lying in wait. Waiting for the take down.

To be sure, Tiger initially caught the side-eye from Blacks when he famously went on The Oprah Winfrey Show and declared himself “Cablinasian” (sic, if only because it’s a fictitious word). If I went anywhere in this country and described myself as “Caublindian” (technically accurate as it may be) people would fall out in laughter and indifference. And this is because, in the real world, I am a Black American. Some of us are mixed by circumstance, some by choice. But many of us are Cabla-whatever, and don’t relate to someone similarly situated going out of his way to distinguish himself, especially if done with even the slightest air of superiority. The President simultaneously boasts of diverse heritage and a wife who enjoys a hair relaxer from time to time. Such efforts to differentiate have become increasingly meaningless.

So, for the most part, Black journalists, pundits and others have been happy to sit on the sideline. Many of the Blacks not “fortunate” enough to be Cablinasians have been happy to point the finger and laugh and laugh at Tiger’s tribulation on Twitter, morning shows, water coolers, etc. Even the people frequently willing to strain the limits of intelligence to justify and qualify the most despicable acts of Black athletes (OJ Simpson, anybody?) have barely mustered a defense. Tiger deserved it after all.

The way its played out reveals that EVERYONE knew all along Tiger was a Negro. No wonder he got caught up in a Cadillac Escalade (yes, of course, it had nice rims). Despite his years long effort to go to Their schools, play Their sport and cater to Their press, Tiger couldn’t command the actual loyalty of his neighbors, his peers in his sport or even his local Perkins waitress. The parade of people willing to knock Tiger down a peg is perhaps unprecedented for a person of Tiger’s wealth and fame. But not for someone of Tiger’s race.

On day umpteen of the Cheetah Woods news cycle, even I can see that this piling on of Tiger has been going on far too long. I concede it started with a routine AP story that was so full of holes it was hilarious. However, after we figured out that the story was more than a slow speed crash and a broken window, the story merely became a tale of adultery. Moreover, it’s a very typical story of adultery and womanizing, especially as it concerns professional athletes. Alex Rodriguez is famous. He is a womanizer. He once had a wife. Yes, we laughed for a bit. But his story never got the international traction that Tiger’s has. Shaquille O’Neal is married. He is an indisputable international superstar. His sloppy womanizing ways were exposed in a NY Times bestseller, testimony from his former teammate, and pages of e-mails and texts with other basketball players’ significant others all summer long. Shaquille’s philandering has barely gotten a mention in the mainstream press. Does Shaunie O’Neal suffer less than Elin Woods when she is cheated on? Does a Black woman not suffer when she is humiliated? Does a Black woman not deserve a check for spilling her story to a tabloid? At this point, I have to think Alex, Shaq and the like are free to live. Those that, perhaps, stay in their place and don’t draw attention to themselves clamoring for inclusion in a world that’s not theirs. I can’t say that it definitely comes down to being of mixed heritage, having a same race wife or same race mistress or any combination thereof. But the inquiry has merit. Otherwise, someone in the American diaspora would have compassion for Tiger.

I hope this is settled now. Tiger is not wholesome. He is not perfect. Yes, Tiger Woods is famous and the higher they rise, the harder the fall. But, given the way things have transpired, we can never forget that Tiger is a Negro in America. Maybe Tiger actually will feel Negro when he assesses the recent media coverage of him. Perhaps he will feel Black if the Florida authorities decide to charge him with a DWI. Or maybe when his flaxen haired wife abruptly leaves him with their children along with her payout. Perhaps Tiger is uppity. But he is definitely a prick, universally defined. He mistreated his wife and his family. Tiger Woods has disappointed his public – White, Black, Indian and Asian. All along, Tiger has shown us that he is the type of man to hush his fans on the golf course and dispatch press releases if he feels bothered to communicate. So now Tiger is suffering because he can’t be himself – uppity, Negro or otherwise. He is so insecure in himself that he can’t even sit behind a plastic table, look into the camera and mutter an explanation that’s not written by someone else. Maybe he is so detached from societal reality, he hasn’t even figured out that he needs to do this. Tiger’s situation has played out in such an an extraordinary manner because the American public appreciates generosity. Tiger conveys none of that. The lesson in all this is to be authentic – whether Black or White. America has spoken.

16 Responses to “Everybody Hates An Uppity Negro: How Tiger Woods Has United America”

  1. KJtheGreat says:

    I said the SAME THING, when my mom asked me how I felt about the Tiger Woods situation. I was like “First, he don’t claim us…” hahaha. But to the point of how Shaq and stars at that level have gone untouched it’s because, in my opinion, their stars don’t shine as bright as Tiger’s. He’s 10x more famous than anybody you mentioned in your post and I think that contributes to the intense non-traditional TMZ coverage he’s getting. Just don’t go to the Golf Channel, they are acting like this never happened.

  2. HarveyDent says:

    KJ, of course the Golf Channel isn’t going to say anything because as much as the PGA tries to diversify its stars ie Daly, Lefty, Mediate, etc., it’s still Tiger stirring that drink.

    Oddly enough in all of this I have sympathy for Elin in the whole thing because just like Shaunie O’Neal it has to be demoralizing to be disrespected by your husband so spectacularly and repeatedly. Everyone to quote a cliche has a breaking point and those two ladies have reached theirs evidently.

    I’m a confirmed bachelor because I know myself well enough to know I’m not even going to try to be monogamous anymore so I put it out there with the women I deal with. It’s not what the larger society calls the orthodox way but it works for me and my social calender is never empty so being authentic is what it all comes down to whether you’re obscure like me or world-famous like Tiger.

    Guys like Tiger, Shaq, and Steve McNair (RIP) are playing with fire when they go out of their relationships and when the fire burns as it always will they stand to lose respect, money, and sometimes their lives. It’s a slippery slope but every man and woman knows that the actions they take will have consequences so be prepared for them.

  3. HarveyDent says:

    To continue on Tiger’s theme song this is what he needs to change it to because it’s been true for almost twenty years now and remains so.

  4. Big Man says:

    I have made a similar argument to a friend.

    Woods was involved in a slow speed car crash that involved no serious injuries and was not alcohol or drug related. The initial rush to report about this accident was stupid, but somewhat par for the course in today’s media world.
    However, by the second day, the new of a minor car crash should have disappeared. Instead, te store continued to be national news for a second day, before it morphed into a story about Tiger’s philadering.

    The question is, what is the connection between a car crash and adultery? On the surface, absolutely nothing. There is only a connection when you consider the TMZ rumors that Tiger’s crash was a result of his wife chasing him and attacking him with a golf club. The problem is that despite thise being lampooned by Saturday Night Live, NO mainstream, reputable news organizations have reported that Tiger was attacked by his wife. None. None of them has reported this and none of them has investigated how she could attack her husband with a weapon and escape police custody.

    So, there is a disconnect here. Why did a crash story turn into an adultery story (Remember, the National Enquirer reported the infidelity rumors weeks ago and they were largely ignored)? If it’s because of the crazy circumstances surrounding the crash, namely that it may have been a result of Elin Woods’ outburst after discovering the adultery, then why has Elin Woods’ role in this whole ordeal been glossed over?

    There is no justification for reporting on the adultery of professional athlete in this much detail with this much vigor. Nor is their justification for reporting on a simple car crash in the same manner. The two incidents are only connected through the actions of one woman, and that woman has escaped all scrutiny.

  5. Temple3 says:

    Did you say, “Cheetah Woods”?

    Oh, that, right thar, is PRICELESS!!!!!!!!

  6. Matthew Fudge says:

    Tiger knows he’s black now.

  7. Eric Daniels says:

    Tiger **stretching while looking at his watch**
    “I guess I’ll go out for a walk”

    Elin–”It’s 2:00 in the morning! Where do you plan on walking this time of morning. I know we live in an upscale neighborhood but DAMN, Tiger!”

    Tiger–”Aw girl I’m just going for walk. Damn! Can a CALABASIAN breathe?!”

    Elin–You ain’t going nowhe…re Nigg%^^..

    Tiger–Woman, don’t say “aint”. You sound ghetto!

    Elin–”Ghetto, who you callin….”
    (you can’t understand her because of the blows she’s throwing while swearing)

    Tiger–**hovered up in the kitchen floor**
    “Please don’t beat me no mo! Please don’t beat me no mo that’s my favorite 9 iron!”

    Let me say, If you are going out after 2 IN THE MORNING it can’t be for anything postive and where is the “Cablasian Community” to stand up for ole Eldrick, like father like son.

  8. Matthew Fudge says:

    I’m reminded of something Jemele Hill said a few years back (about Kobe, I think) that applies to Tiger: white support is like bad health insurance – it ain’t there when you need it most.

  9. Eric Daniels says:

    Matthew, Tiger desired to be colorless so he should have to deal with white backlash on his own, he and his family pimped his “Blackness” when it was convienent for them and his management. The minute he won “The Masters” and was getting endorsments in the millions he was multicultural and always played igorant to racial concerns like Micheal Jordan so now we know that he is a sex- addicted unfaithful slimball I wish the African- American community would let Woods and other “Biracials” and Black Althletes like him who play Black Folks like he did.

    As far as I am concerned TIGER WOO IS NOT BLACK , let’s the see Thai community embrace him OH!! they don’t accept him either. I will be happy when a “real Black Person” wins golf championships and says I’M BLACK AND PROUD “

  10. Tariq says:

    Let me preface this by saying that I think that if someone who is married is about to cheat, said person should end the marriage right then and there and then do whatever he/she wants. There is nothing that justifies cheating, nor is there anything that makes it better.

    That being said, I think people should get the f*ck off of Cheetah’s d*ck. Just get off his d*ck. Plain and simple. This is between him and that wife of his. Just because he’s famous doesn’t mean he should be on blast. Go report on Ben Roethlisberger’s rape case or something. Ridiculous.

  11. Tariq says:

    Every single place I look, people are reporting on Cheetah. Media blowout bonanza on Cheetah. Radio talk shows dedicated to the NFL talking exclusively about Cheetah. For what? This is some bullsh*t.

  12. Mizzo says:

    Ya got a major point there fam and somewhere his PGA competitors are loving this.

  13. prichards says:

    Since when did every “legitmate” news source become no better than the National Enquirer, or any rag you find on the checkout line at the supermarket. Peoples interests are absurd and juvenile. Who cares about any of this? A young billionaire sports celebrity, likes to party and fornicate, shocking??? A young billionaire sports celebrity cheats on his wife, WHO CARES???? I wonder how many men wouldn’t cheat, or party and sleep with a ton of women, in his situation??? Its not like the Pope was caught using an escort agency. I have never seen such media coverage, for, such a ridiculous non-issue, I cant blame the press, apparently society has denegrated to the mental age of the average 12 year old.

    The joke is on society, he has become a billionaire because, he can hit a little white ball, what a role model, hes laughing all the way to the bank.

  14. Patrick says:

    The Florida Highway Patrol desperately tried to turn a one-car accident into a criminal investigation and get Tiger to go ‘on record’ with potential incriminating or conflicting statements. Tiger was fortunate not to submit to early media pressure and go public, because he may have been facing jail time–not a whole lot, but it would have been a possibility.

    The Vick case started out with his cousin Devon Boddie in Virginia getting arrested on a separate (repeat) drug charge, while Vick lived in Atlanta. The media in Virginia and Atlanta PRESSURED law enforcement DAILY in an effort to find anything to connect Vick and Boddie (which was the house)…and with Tiger, the rumors of domestic violence could have been an entry point for Florida investigators to widen their scope and turn it into a full blown criminal investigation.

    Tiger is facing a public relations nightmare, but its better than being part of a pending criminal investigation which may have led to jail time.

    Tiger can still play golf, dominate opponents and win championships. The PGA Commissioner isn’t going to do what Goodell did to Vick.

    However, this hyper-critical media pressure is intended to break Tiger and Jack Nickalus is probably ‘silently’ hoping it will seriously curtail Tiger’s pursuit of Jack’s record of golfing titles…

  15. Patrick says:

    This might be a little off-topic to a certain degree. However, what about Tiger’s physical condition?

    From police reports he had to be dragged out of a vehicle. Did he re-injure his knee or knees or possibly a shoulder? Is he physically able to play golf? This is a certain part of the story that hasn’t been talked about since the day of the crash…

  16. carlos johnson says:

    Who gives one fat phuck about this overpaid, over coddled, bug eyed, puffy lipped piece of $hit? Certainly not me, but I am not a negro, desperate to identify with a very rare successful example of my overall failed race.

    What is wrong with this country? Scientists, teachers, inventors should be admired. Not some half breed freak who has been pimped for golf for his entire life. Carry on, negroes. You all lose yet again (SURPRISE!).